I watched Blue Like Jazz last night, a movie based on an amazing book by Don Miller. Don openly and vulnerably recounts his struggles with the Christian faith, the resolution coming when he realizes he’s been ashamed of Jesus; ashamed because he wanted to be liked, to be popular. He ultimately apologizes for being a bad representation of God.
I’m saying all this because it relates to my desire to abstain from sex until marriage.
I want to be liked and desired by men. That’s why I would round all the bases and stop just before sliding into home plate. I’d leave with my uniform dirty and nobody even scoring a point. I thought I should please men to the fullest of my abilities so they didn’t get restless and leave. Well, as it turns out, that’s not the best tactic.
I would end up feeling used and guilty. We would both wind up sexually frustrated as the boundary lines got blurry.
My ex never once let me stay the night at his house. I thought this was insane and I argued against the Anti-sleepover Clause time and time again, but he was adamant. In retrospect, I admire what he did. He knew neither of us were strong enough to sleep next to each other and maintain healthy boundaries.
So the question I have in this new relationship is… So where exactly should the boundary line be drawn? Can I erase and re-draw multiple times? I’m still more confused than I’ve ever been.