Crush[ed]

I fall in love a lot.

Okay, maybe not love, but I get crushes a lot.

And once I get ’em, they’re hard to kick. I either need to get what I’m after (aka. The Guy) or find the reason why he’s a dirtbag. The worst is liking somebody and not knowing if they know, not knowing how the other person feels. This sense of hopelessness comes over me. I immediately revert back to being a little kid. The strong, confident woman dissipates as my need to obtain this person grows stronger. The problem lies in the fact that once I get what I want, it no longer seems as exciting.

In not another dating book, amazing author and woman of God, Renee Fisher, writes:

harvesthousepublishers.com

There have been times when I allowed my crush to distract me from the things God had for me instead of giving my longing to Him. I forced the crush. I rushed. Pushed harder. I wanted to initiate instead of waiting for the guy to pursue me.

But our job is to trust God and wait on His timing. Instead of panicking when I don’t have a crush as a constant distraction, I choose to spend time with God and find my fulfillment in Him.

These words hold so true for me. I have come to the stark realization that not every man I like is going to like me in return. [Warning: I am about to sound like a spoiled little girl.] I have become used to getting every man that I crave. It has distorted my view on courtship. It has made me focus more on the external than the internal. I was so used to using my looks as a lure that I soon forgot about the importance of spiritual beauty. This most recent crush didn’t respond to my subtle advances and maybe that’s why.

I finally got closure on that man I’d been crushing on for the past year. This might sounds ridiculous but here goes…

I was lying in bed scrolling through FB photos when a pic of him and I popped up. It wasn’t loading and I kept trying to “refresh” it. Suddenly I realized maybe this image– this idea of perfection I had in my head– wasn’t going to “refresh” or reload. I prayed right then and there that if God didn’t have any intention of bringing us together that the photo wouldn’t finish loading AND (yes, I needed to make sure God was sure) the photos before and after it would load in an instant.

God gave in to my whims.

It didn’t reload.

But honestly, something that obvious is what I needed. I was hanging on to the thread of a possibility that it could work. God showed me that I needed to delete this desire and move on to something that would show me clarity.

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