Heartbreaker

I’m broken. Incapable of love. A heartbreaker. Too picky. Self-sabotaging. Selfish.

These have been the things going through my head this past week.

I know within the first 10 minutes if I am interested in somebody. But when I know I’m not, sometimes I let that 10 minutes turn into 10 hours or 10 weeks. Why? I’ll be honest, It’s nice having someone to do those ‘coupley things’ with. You know… playing hide & go seek in a museum, sneaking kisses in a book store, driving with no destination. It’s nice having some consistency. Dating can get exhausting.

So what sparked all this?

Since returning home from Europe I was bombarded by attention from men and its been nice feeling beautiful and wanted but it  also leaves me feeling lonely and confused. Why don’t I want to be with any of these guys? Why do they all want to be with me?

In the past two months I have dated and broken up with someone, been asked out by five people, gone on three dates and kissed a friend that I probably shouldn’t have.

In the course of finding out what I need in a partner and what I need to do for myself I have left a trail of broken hearts behind me and I’m seeing the reality of the destruction for the first time.

As the product of a disastrous divorce I have picked up some Super Helpful Habits
A) never rely on a man for anything
B) never trust a man with anything
C) don’t be vulnerable because it will be used against you

So that has left me as an overly independent, emotionally impenetrable, commitaphobe. Great.

This post is to apologize to all the men I have unintentionally hurt. I’m sorry that I’m just now realizing that the male population has feelings too. I’m sorry that I’m finally realizing that when you said you liked me you might have meant it. I’m sorry that I’m only now opening my eyes to the reality that my flirtations can be heartbreaking if they’re empty.

Note to self: boys are breakable.

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“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

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